The God Delusion

It's been six months since I screamed.
Really screamed my guts out in rage and frustration and sadness. Guess that's a sign of how far I've come. Buddhism has helped but it's not a cure, I know that. I realized a little while ago that my sister's birth and death dates are two days apart. I fucking refuse to celebrate the day she was taken from me. I'll celebrate the day she was brought to me instead, but realizing that, for the first time, almost made me crazy.

Being hungry and having too much caffeine added to it I'm sure but the rage was still there ready to leap out.

I just screamed as hard and loud as I could and wasn't even concerned if anyone heard. Luckily no one was home. The dog's at the groomers and I'm here alone working and that fucked me up...that realization.

When I dropped Niko at the groomers this morning I noted privately how nice the weather was and a few moments later it hit me this is the first spring with Melanie.

And I fucking hated the concept of God right away. Hated Him or It or whatever the fuck religious types wanna call it.

I just have to get this out.

Believing in God was what made losing my sister THAT much worse. Because once it hit home that no one could save her I knew He didn't exist. It was the last piece of my innocence or my delusion, to go. That week, her last, there was a storm headed for Galveston Texas and I saw on the news these foolish people making a prayer line on a hilltop to try and pray away the storm.

Needless to say it didn't work. Neither did our prayers for Mel to get better, to be given a fucking chance for some experimental medicine.

She never got it.

I knew right there, if God wasn't going to save those people in Texas he damn sure wasn't going to save my sister.

I remember crying in the bathroom on the first floor of the hospital, right under the floor Mel was on and saying; "I guess you're not real after all." And it broke me because in my gut it felt completely true. I knew it in my bones. All we have is us. I know the spirit is real because I saw it leave my sister. I saw it in her and I saw the body when it was gone, so that's real.

The spirit of people.
That's what I can believe in, but some imaginary figure in then clouds? Never.

I can do right and be a good person without some delusion, some magical character that is supposed to heal all my hurts and solve all my problems and shower me with whatever when I die. Nonsense.

I'm human and I cry and get mad and laugh and love all the same with or without The God Delusion. I gotta get that book.

Buddhism helps because it teaches logic and responsibility and kindness towards others and compassion to all things. Catholicism taught guilt and shame and is corrupted from the roots up. Monks don't fuck little boys then pay off the families to keep quiet.

Buddhism has never killed anyone.

Dumping the God bullshit took my guilt with it. I don't feel it anymore for any reason and yet still I can do the right thing, but more importantly I can do it for myself which Catholicism never allowed room for. Always give give give but never think about yourself.

That's changed. Forever.

I'm mad my sister is gone. But its lessening with time and turning my back on the irresponsible mind set that God will take care of all your shit so long as you pray and toss money into a basket at church was the BEST move I ever made. It freed me.

I can feel good more often than bad nowadays but I still miss her with each new thing I have to experience without her here.

She still visits my dreams though, especially when things are bad. She visits me.

I can feel her when I wake. Those are the real dreams. The most recent and strongest one yet.

We were alone after some kind of family hangout and she asked,. almost mischievously; "So you been thinkin' about me?"

And I covered my mouth and sobbed "Everyday", but I knew she didn't hear me so I pulled my hand away and said it again, "everyday" and it felt so weak in the air that I said; "Every minute of every day."

I hugged her we cried and I got to say goodbye.

She told me "Everything I have is yours, unquestionably."

Then I saw my reflection in a mirror on the wall behind her back but it wasn't exactly my face. It was crying too. But it was clean shaven and the lips were too thin, but I am pretty sure it was me watching myself cry while hugging her. Then I couldn't see anything but her shoulder and her red hair.

Then I woke up with a start and my breath caught in my throat.

And it was a delayed reaction, the crying, but it came in little fits as I got out of bed quickly.

I cried and sucked air and cried and sucked air for about a half hour until it passed, but when it did I felt strangely ok.

I got to say goodbye and I loved her. I was worried earlier in the day that she might not have known, but that was foolish. She always knew.

She let me say goodbye and I had this weird energy from it all day.

I needed to remember that to help with the pain from earlier today.

Got to get back to work.