Urban Law

Urban Law demands, first and foremost, that you be angry. Angry at what? Doesn't matter, just have a 'tude and direct it at everyone.

You have to have a girl or else you're gay, then cheat on her as much as possible to impress your homeboys much in the way you tried to impress people in High School. And we all know how well THAT worked out.

You need a dog, but not just any dog, you need a PITBULL, preferably with a thick metal chain and masterlock around its neck so everyone WILL know how manly you are by the dog you walk down the street. To add, your dog must sleep in the largest metal, wireframe cage you can afford to stuff into your impossibly cramped living quarters. This will help add to the desired scent of weed, dog piss, and frying bacon.

Yes, Urban Law mandates state you are only a man if you have a pitbull. Without said pitbull at the end of a sturdy leash, you are A BIG PUSSY.

The ghetto requirements go on to say your clothes must be two to three sizes too big, even if you're incredibly fat. your clothes must hang off you in childishly sloppy ways in order to properly mimic the prison dress that inspired the style because everyone in the ghetto knows if you're going to admire anyone it has to be a convict; current or ex.

Moving right along you need gold, around your neck, in your mouth, or on your fingers. Nevermind your children and their stupid need for food or the rent and cable bill being three months overdue...YOU HAVE TO HAVE THAT GOLD! At all costs!

Your apartment should be in the poorest possible condition imaginable without legally being declared a De-militarized zone. Your bedroom should have all your clothes on the floor mingling happily with plates of food, empty soda cans and beer bottles.

Speaking of beer, by ALL MEANS you should drink the poorest swill available on the market. This is key otherwise you will not have enough money left over from your government check to buy Blunts and / or Rolling Papers as well as a bag or two of Sour Cream and Onion chips and a pack of Newports. Newports are also key as no one in the hood smokes anything but.

The only time you are allowed to smoke a different brand of cigarette is when your pack runs out at 3 in the morning and your only recourse is to bum from your girl's pack and she smokes Virginia Slims.

You should have, in your roach trap of an apartment, a tv set large enough to blind people in space. ALSO, and this is of major importance, you MUST possess an offensively loud surround sound system powerful enough to shake the very paint from your hard working neighbor's, children's bedroom ceiling.

Your refrigerator should have nothing less than a half gallon container of milk, a four year old box of baking soda, some cheese, wonder bread, Kool-Aid, a six pack of cheap beer, and moldy lettuce in the Cripser. Eggs "stuck" to the holders on the fridge door are optional as are several packets of duck and soy sauce.

Which leads me to the next item on the list of Do's and Don'ts under Urban Law...

You must have a menu from every single take-out joint in the area. The list goes as follows:
Chinese
Pizza
Mexican

If you're feeling frisky and want to take one of your "ladies" out on the town then a sure fire way to win her black heart is dinner and a movie. By this we mean a bag of burgers from White Castle or a bucket of KFC and something from Blockbuster.

You may cap off this stellar evening with a bottle of White Zimfandel ($4.99 with sales tax) and a blunt just for you and her that you would of course roll yourself and as a romantic gesture...have her lick it shut.

What should follow is a fairly inebriated twenty minutes of poorly thought out, emotionally dead, unprotected sex, because let's face it...it just takes too long to find a condom and put it on. Besides, that's how babies are born.

Following the sweaty grunt fest should come The Sleeping / Snoring portion of the evening.

In the morning will come The Cereal, The Breakfast Blunt, orange juice (we need our vitamin C), and perhaps a morning beer to start the day off right. Then maybe we'll get to brushing our teeth and getting dressed in whatever's on top of The Pile.

Then it's off to the corner where we get to repeat the previous day's activities all over again.